Overcoming Social Anxiety With CBT

Do you ever get anxious about social situations? Maybe you feel shy or nervous or uncomfortable or dread some types of social situations so much you’ll do anything to avoid them.

In this video, we’ll learn how to reduce social anxiety with strategies involving CBT and mindfulness.

One of the most effective ways to reduce social anxiety is through exposure. Putting ourselves in situations that make us anxious.

I can’t stand public speaking, which helps us become more comfortable in them. But that wasn’t so bad. And learned that they’re not as threatening as we fear and that even if things don’t go well, we’re still able to cope.

I was nervous and stumbled over my words a bit, but I got through it and it was okay in the end.

Let’s look at an example. We’re invited to a social event where we won’t know most of the people and we’re anxious that we won’t fit in or have anyone to talk to.

Our first instinct might be avoidance to just turn down the invitation because then we don’t have to feel anxious about it anymore. But if we avoided everything that gives us social anxiety, we wouldn’t have a social life.

So we decide to take a bit of a risk and go and just see what happens and treat it as an opportunity for learning.

So beforehand, we ask ourselves and write down our answers so we can look at them after. What am I expecting or predicting will happen?

Well, I won’t know anyone there and I’ll be really uncomfortable and nobody will talk to me and I’ll feel self-conscious and just wish I’d stayed home.

And what am I most worried about? Someone will start talking to me, but I won’t know what to say and I’ll be really awkward and embarrass myself.

And are there any feelings or emotions I’m afraid I’ll experience that I won’t be able to tolerate? I’ll be so anxious that I’ll find it difficult to carry on a conversation or I might even have a panic attack and embarrass myself in front of everyone.

And then we go to the gathering and see what happens. Hey, I’m Paul. Nice to meet you. Um, hi. I’m Noah.

And then afterwards, we ask ourselves, did our predictions, expectations, or worries come true? I barely knew anyone there and I did feel uncomfortable and self-conscious at times, but people were friendly and talked to me and I was a little awkward but still able to hold up my end of the conversation.

And were we able to tolerate our feelings and emotions? I did feel nervous and anxious at times, but it was manageable and didn’t prevent me from being able to talk to people. And I didn’t come close to having a panic attack.

And how is this outcome different from what we predicted, expected, or feared? People were friendlier than I expected, and I never really felt out of place.

I was able to carry on a conversation with people I didn’t know. And even though I didn’t have the greatest time, it was okay and better than staying at home by myself.

And what did I learn from the experience? I can go to a social event where I barely know anyone and people will be friendly and start talking to me. And even if I am feeling uncomfortable or awkward or anxious, I can still manage to carry on a conversation and at least not have a terrible time and feel like I need to escape and go home.

But things aren’t always going to go that well. What if nobody comes up to talk to us and we’re too anxious to approach people we don’t know?

We start feeling a bit panicky and we end up off by ourselves on our phones most of the night until we feel so self-conscious we go home without even talking to anyone.

So, this outcome was as bad as we’d expected or maybe even a little worse. So, what can we learn from an experience like this that can help with social anxiety?

Well, even though I felt really anxious, I don’t think anyone noticed and I didn’t embarrass myself. And I learned that even though feeling anxious and self-conscious is really unpleasant and uncomfortable, it doesn’t mean anything bad or catastrophic is going to happen.

And I can tolerate these feelings without there being any serious consequences. It just means I’m going to feel uncomfortable for a while, which I’d rather avoid, but not at the cost of not having a social life.

We can also reduce social anxiety by addressing our anxious thoughts leading up to a social situation. I won’t have anyone to talk to. I’ll be so awkward I embarrass myself.

We can try reassuring ourselves with thoughts like, “People are generally friendly at social gatherings and probably will talk to me. Even if I am a little awkward, nobody will care.”

But it can be really hard to believe these thoughts if we don’t have any actual evidence to back them up. And that’s one of the benefits of exposure. It provides evidence from our previous experiences that can make these situations seem less threatening and help us believe our reassuring thoughts.

We can also reassure ourselves when we have negative thoughts that come up during a social situation which often focus on our performance. I’m being so awkward. Why can’t I say anything? What’s wrong with me?

So, we reassure ourselves with thoughts like, “It’s okay to be quiet sometimes.” It’s natural to feel uncomfortable and shy around people I don’t know. It’s okay to just take my time to observe and listen. And I can make eye contact and smile to show that I’m paying attention.

It’s also common to worry about how other people are reacting to and perceiving us. Why isn’t anyone talking to me? They can tell how awkward I am.

A more reassuring thought could be they’re likely more focused on themselves and their own thoughts than on judging me. Just because I’m feeling uncomfortable doesn’t mean I’m making others uncomfortable.

We might notice someone we’re talking to look away and wonder, “What did I say to make her do that?” People often look away momentarily during a conversation to gather their thoughts. Or maybe she was just distracted by something across the room.

It’s important not to jump to conclusions regarding other people’s actions and behaviors. I don’t need to interpret every small action as a negative response to me.

Social anxiety makes us more likely to notice cues in our environments that we interpret as negative, known as negative attentional bias. And we can become really focused on other people’s actions and behaviors, looking for signs of disapproval or negative judgment.

We might focus on the one person who’s looking at their phone and think, “Wow, I really must be boring him.” While ignoring that everyone else seems to be interested in what we’re saying.

When we’re able to notice ourselves doing things like scanning the room looking for signs of disapproval, we need to try to shift our attention back to the conversation rather than searching for more evidence that we’re not fitting in.

And we can often have self-critical thoughts after a social situation, dwelling on things that didn’t go well or that we think we did or said wrong. I’m such a loser. Why did I say that? Everyone noticed how awkward I am. I’m so ashamed.

We can address these thoughts by trying to look at the situation as objectively as possible and focusing on what actually happened and not just how we’re feeling about it.

That actually wasn’t so bad. I managed to meet some people. It was a little awkward, but it wasn’t a big deal. This helps us feel better in the moment and can reduce our anxiety about similar situations in the future.

Now, when we have negative or self-critical thoughts during a social situation, instead of trying to reassure ourselves, how else could I think about this? Which pulls our attention away from our conversations and into our heads and makes it difficult to keep track of what people are saying and what’s going on around us.

We can respond to these thoughts mindfully, reminding ourselves, “This is just a thought. I don’t need to react to it or do anything about it. I can just let it go and keep my attention focused on the conversation. And if these thoughts stick around, we just allow them to be there in the background of our awareness while keeping the focus of our attention on our interactions as best we can.

Mindfulness also helps us manage difficult emotions. If we’re feeling embarrassed or ashamed, we just acknowledge these feelings and remind ourselves it’s okay to feel this way. Everyone feels awkward at times and this feeling will pass and I’ll be okay.

And if we’re anxious, we just accept that we’re feeling anxious. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s just a passing emotional state. And then rather than getting caught up in our anxiety, we can allow it to be there in the background of our awareness while still keeping our attention focused on the conversation.

So the keys to reducing social anxiety are exposing ourselves to situations that make us anxious and learning from them rather than avoiding them. reassuring ourselves and finding less anxious and self-critical ways of thinking about these situations and how we’re coming across to others. Keeping our attention focused on our interactions rather than looking for signs of disapproval and responding mindfully to our thoughts and emotions.