6 Red Flags of Relationship Trouble & Gottman’s 4 Horsemen

Some couples argue and figure things out, while others slowly pull apart. The difference isn’t how often we fight, but how we talk when things get tense.

Psychologist John Gottman studied thousands of couples and found six warning signs that a relationship is in serious trouble. And these patterns are so consistent, he’s been able to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy just by watching how couples interact.

The first red flag is called harsh startup, which refers to how a difficult conversation begins. If it starts with sarcasm, blame, or sounding angry or irritated, things tend to go badly, no matter what we say later.

Next are the four horsemen, which tend to show up together and create long-term damage if not addressed. Criticism goes way beyond pointing out a problem. It targets who the person is. “I was frustrated that you didn’t help with the dishes” is a complaint. That’s fine. “You never help with anything, you’re so lazy,” is a criticism, and it leads to defensiveness and anger instead of cooperation.

Contempt is even stronger. Things like sarcasm, eye-rolling, name-calling, or mean jokes. “Can we talk?” “Oh, so now you want to talk?” Contempt is the strongest predictor of divorce.

Defensiveness shows up when we feel blamed. Instead of solving the problem, it just escalates the argument. “Why is everything always my fault?” And stonewalling is when one partner shuts down and withdraws. It usually comes after repeated cycles of criticism and contempt. We might look calm, but internally we’re overwhelmed and trying to disconnect. “Can we try to figure this out?” “Whatever.” “Are you even listening to me?”

Sign 3 is flooding, which happens when a conflict feels so intense we get emotionally overwhelmed and shut down, go blank, or feel like we need to escape. This often leads to patterns where one partner keeps pushing the talk, and the other avoids it. Not because they don’t care, which is how it often feels to the other person, but because they can’t emotionally cope with continuing the conversation right now.

The fourth warning sign is body language, but not in the way we usually think. This is about how our bodies react to stress during conflict. Things like an increased heart rate, tense muscles, or shallow breathing. These physical signs show that we’ve moved beyond a simple disagreement and into a heightened emotional state, where it becomes hard to listen, think clearly, or solve problems.

The fifth red flag is failed repair attempts, which are efforts to break the tension during a discussion, like apologies, jokes, and other small gestures. In stable relationships, these usually land, but when a relationship is struggling, they tend to get missed or rejected. When repair attempts stop working, conflicts escalate.

And the final sign is bad memories. Happy couples look back on the past fondly, but for unhappy couples, the memories are unhappy as well. When even the good parts of a relationship are remembered badly, it’s a sign the emotional connection is fading.

So seeing these red flags doesn’t mean the relationship is over, but it does mean something needs to change, especially about how we communicate under stress. And to find out how to make these changes, check out my video on 7 Secrets to a Stronger Relationship.