Perfectionistic Core Beliefs

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In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), we usually focus on our current thoughts and behaviors and the relationship between these thoughts and behaviors and our moods and how we’re feeling. But where do these thoughts and behaviors come from? Why do you and I have different thoughts about the same situations, and why do you and I act differently under similar circumstances? One of the main reasons is that we have different sets of core beliefs.

Core beliefs are our deeply held underlying beliefs about ourselves, the world we live in, and other people that influence how we interpret our experiences and, as a result, affect how we think, act, and engage with others. Core beliefs are the tinted glasses through which we view things, each of us with a slightly or, in some cases, vastly different shade of tint.

The basic aim of CBT is to learn to change the way we think and act in order to change the way we feel. Core beliefs are important because they determine how we think and act. So if we can change our core beliefs, changes in how we think and act will naturally follow, which will, in turn, help change the way we feel. Not all core beliefs are negative, but for now, we’re going to just look at negative core beliefs because these are the ones that we want to be able to change in order to help us feel better about ourselves.

Negative core beliefs about ourselves are grouped into three categories:

• Helpless core beliefs: “I am weak,” “I am out of control,” “I’m a failure,” “I am not good enough,” “I’m a loser.”
• Unlovable core beliefs: “I am unlovable or unlikable,” “I’m unwanted,” “I’m unattractive,” “I’m different from other people,” “I’m bound to be alone.”
• Worthless core beliefs: “I am worthless,” “I’m bad,” “I’m a waste,” “I’m toxic.”

Negative core beliefs about the world are things such as “the world is dangerous,” “the world isn’t fair,” “life’s too hard,” “things are stacked against me,” “the future is hopeless.”

Negative core beliefs about other people are things like “the people I love will always end up leaving me,” “you can’t count on other people,” “people will always let you down,” “people only care about themselves,” “it’s not safe to trust other people,” “others are out to get me.”

Now you can probably see how holding these sorts of beliefs could affect how we think and act and interact with other people. But in between our core beliefs and our thoughts and behaviors, there’s another level called rules and assumptions, which are also known as intermediate beliefs because they fall in between our core beliefs and our thoughts and behavior.

We can imagine the relationship between core beliefs, rules, and assumptions, and thoughts and behavior as if our minds were a tree. Core beliefs are the roots that anchor us and deliver water and nutrients through the trunks and branches (which are like rules and assumptions) up into the leaves that are our thoughts and behavior.

So stemming from our core beliefs, we make rules for ourselves, which are stated in terms of “I should” or “I must.” And then we make assumptions, which are “if-then” statements based on our core beliefs. For example, if we have the core belief “the world is scary,” we might have rules such as:

• “I must always keep myself safe.”
• “I shouldn’t take any risks.”

And assumptions such as:

• “If I’m not careful enough, then something bad is gonna happen to me.”
• “If I let down my guard, then I’m gonna get hurt.”
• “If I don’t take any risks, then I’ll stay safe.”

These rules and assumptions influence our behavior. We act in ways that avoid violating our rules or to avoid the negative consequences or achieve the positive consequences of an “if-then” assumption. So in this example, we might behave in ways that allow us to avoid anything we perceive as scary or that provokes any anxiety.

These rules and assumptions influence our thoughts. In this case, they might lead us to worry a lot and always ask ourselves “what if this happens? what if that happens? what if, what if, what if?”

Other examples of rules could be things like:

• “I must do everything right.”
• “I should try to make everyone happy.”
• “I shouldn’t show any weakness.”

And other assumptions could be things like:

• “If I don’t try to make friends, then I won’t get rejected.”
• “If I’m always nice to everyone, then people will like me.”
• “If my relationship ends, then I’ll be alone forever.”

So that’s a basic outline of core beliefs and rules and assumptions. Now let’s look at how we can try to figure out what some of our core beliefs and rules and assumptions are.

Our core beliefs aren’t as accessible to us as our thoughts and behavior are. If we want to know what we’re thinking, we can ask ourselves “what’s going through my mind right now?” And no matter what we’re doing, we’re usually able to take a step back and notice how we’re behaving in the moment.

But if I ask you, “what are your core beliefs? What rules do you live by? What assumptions do you make about yourself, the world, and others?” then you probably don’t have an answer for me right away and may not even know where to start looking.

There are a number of ways that we can try to reveal our core beliefs and rules and assumptions. The simplest is to just ask ourselves, “What do I believe about myself, about the world, and about other people?” So just take a moment now and see if anything comes to mind to complete the statements:

• “I am…”
• “The world is…”
• “Other people are…”

And then you can do the same thing with rules and start with these prompts and try to fill in the blanks:

• “I should…”
• “I should not…”
• “I must…”
• “I must not…”

And now for assumptions, start with “if” or “if I” or “if someone,” then “then.” Sometimes we can figure out some of our core beliefs by just looking back through our lives at the lessons we’ve learned growing up. Our core beliefs develop over time, beginning in childhood with lessons we learned from our parents—either explicitly through things they taught us or implicitly through things we learned through observation. We also learn from our interactions with other people in our lives who are important to us, like siblings, other relatives, teachers, role models, and friends and peers.

So one way to uncover core beliefs is to simply ask yourself, “What did I learn from these people about myself, about the world, and about other people? Did I form any rules or assumptions based on what I learned from them?”

Core beliefs also develop as a result of experiences we have as children. So think about your formative early life experiences and ask yourself, “What did I learn from these experiences about myself, about the world, and about other people? Did I form any rules or assumptions based on these experiences?”

And then you can look at people who’ve been influential in your life and significant experiences you’ve had since childhood and ask yourself the same questions about these.

Another way we can discover our core beliefs is to start at the top with our thoughts and work our way down. Now it’s possible to have a thought that sounds like a core belief that’s actually just a fleeting thought that doesn’t go much deeper. For example, if something goes wrong and you say to yourself, “I’m such a loser,” but you hardly ever say that to yourself, that’s not necessarily a core belief. But if you’re consistently telling yourself, “I’m such a loser” a few times a day, then chances are that is a core belief.

So any thought that starts with “I am,” “the world is,” “life is,” or “people are” could be a core belief, or it could just be a specific thought you’re having in that moment in response to something, and it doesn’t go any deeper than that. But if it’s something you’re telling yourself all the time, it probably is a core belief.

The same is true for thoughts about rules that start with things like “I should” or “I must,” or thoughts that include “if-then” assumptions. Sometimes they’re just thoughts that we’re having on the surface, but if we’re having these thoughts frequently, then that’s probably because they are a rule or assumption that we tend to live by.

But the other way we can uncover our core beliefs from our thoughts is to use what’s called the downward arrow technique. We take an automatic thought that we’ve had in response to a situation and ask ourselves if this is true, what does this thought say or mean about me, or about the world and how it works, or about other people?

For example, a friend doesn’t text us back, and we have the thought, “I must have said something to upset them.” So then we ask ourselves if this thought is true, what does this say or mean about me, or about the world and how it works, or about other people? They probably don’t like me. And if this is true, what does this say or mean about me? I don’t know how to talk to people. And if this is true, what does this say or mean about me? I’ll never have any friends. And if this is true, what does this say or mean about me? I’m unlikable. And if this is true, what does this say or mean about me? And if the answer is, “Well, it means I’m unlikable,” then we’ve reached the end and come up with our core belief: “I’m unlikable,” that’s responsible for the thought, “I must have said something to upset them.”

With a different set of core beliefs, we might have had a different thought in this situation. So, with the core belief like “people are selfish,” you might have had the thought, “What’s wrong with them? Why haven’t they responded yet?” Or, with a core belief like “the world’s a dangerous place,” then you might have had the thought, “Something must have happened to them. I hope they’re okay.” Or, with a core belief like “I’m likable” or “other people are considerate,” those might lead to a thought like, “Oh, I guess they’re probably just busy.”

For a more complicated example, let’s look at a situation that involves more than one core belief. I’m planning to go to a party by myself, and I start worrying: “What if I don’t know anyone? What if I get there and don’t talk to anyone? What if I embarrass myself? What if I get so anxious I have a panic attack?” So then I ask myself, “What does this say or mean about me, or about the world and how it works, or about other people? You can never know what to expect.” And what does this say or mean about the world and how it works? Bad things can happen at any moment. And what does this say or mean about the world and how it works? The world is scary.

So here we’ve come up with a core belief about the world. But if we keep going, maybe there’s more. What does this say about me, or the world, or other people? If I don’t take risks, then I won’t get hurt. And here we’ve discovered an “if-then” assumption that we live by. And what does this say about me, the world, or other people? I must keep myself safe. And so here we’ve discovered a rule that we live by. And what does this say about me, the world, or other people? I’m weak.

We can also uncover core beliefs, and especially rules and assumptions, from looking at our behavior. Rules and assumptions guide our behavior. “I should” or “I must” statements are telling us how to behave, and “if-then” statements are assumptions about what will happen if we behave in certain ways.

Going back to our last example, maybe my behavior is to get to the party, turn around, and go home. So what does this behavior suggest about rules or assumptions I have about myself, the world, or other people? Or more simply put, why am I acting this way? So I might have rules like, “I must keep myself safe,” “I must avoid anxiety at any cost,” or assumptions like, “If I’m around people I don’t know, then I’ll be too uncomfortable,” or “If I avoid social situations, then I’ll keep myself safe.”

Now we have a number of tools to help us uncover our core beliefs, rules, and assumptions, and you can work your way through all of them in the worksheet I linked to in the description and pin comment. But now, how do we change our core beliefs, rules, and assumptions in order to change the way we think and act, and as a result, improve our moods and help ourselves feel better?