7 Principles That Make Relationships Work (Gottman Method)

Is your relationship struggling, stuck in a rut, or just not where you want it to be?

Most relationships don’t fall apart overnight. You gradually start to feel distance from all the small moments that build up over time.

Here are seven habits that can protect a relationship and keep it strong and stable even during difficult times.

The first habit is to build detailed love maps. This means staying familiar with what’s going on in our partner’s life—their friends, their day-to-day routines, what’s been stressing them out, what they’re looking forward to, and the things that matter to them.

It’s also about paying attention to the small stuff—like their favorite shows, the foods they’ve been into, or the books they’ve been reading lately.

Having these love maps of our partner’s lives keeps us emotionally connected and better able to support each other.

Next, increase fondness and admiration. It’s easy to focus on what’s frustrating about our partners, especially during conflicts. But relationships are more stable when we actively notice and appreciate each other’s good qualities.

Just keeping in mind the things we like, love, and respect about our partners, or remembering what made us want to be with them in the first place, can make a difference.

Another key habit is to turn towards each other. This is about creating small moments of connection—checking in during the day, sharing a joke, doing chores together, and being there when our partners reach out for support.

Turning away sounds like, “I’m busy right now.” Turning towards sounds like, “Sure, let me see it.” These moments build an emotional bank account. When the bank account is full, couples are more likely to experience conflict without becoming distant or hostile.

Another important habit is to accept influence. We need to be open to each other’s opinions and needs, even if we don’t always agree. It doesn’t mean giving in, but it means listening and trying to find common ground.

For example, one partner might say, “I was thinking we could just have a quiet weekend together.” The other might respond, “I kind of wanted to have people over, but you’ve had a long week, so let’s just stay in.” A temporary compromise like this can help maintain balance.

We can also solve solvable problems. These are issues where compromise is possible, like disagreements about chores, how to divide time between extended families during holidays, or how much time to spend on individual interests versus shared activities.

These types of issues can usually be addressed through negotiation, flexibility, and problem-solving.

But every couple also has unsolvable problems. These often involve differences that don’t go away, like things around parenting, lifestyle preferences, or finances.

Often these problems can’t be permanently resolved, but the goal is to find out what’s behind the disagreement. Understanding where your partner’s coming from—what values or dreams are tied up in it—can help. The key is to keep talking about it in a way that doesn’t lead to gridlock, where both partners feel stuck, misunderstood, and emotionally disconnected.

For example, one partner might say, “I really want a bigger place,” while the other responds, “I actually like this place, and honestly, I don’t think we can afford a bigger one.” They might compromise by agreeing to look at what’s out there, keeping the budget realistic, and maybe starting to save a little more for the future.

Temporary compromises like this can help, but the real work is staying connected and being open to continuing the conversation for as long as the issue isn’t completely resolved.

The final habit is to create shared meaning. Strong relationships often have their own culture—things like rituals, inside jokes, stories, and routines. These small things help our relationship feel like a partnership rather than just two people coexisting.

These seven habits won’t change your relationship with one or two conversations, but practicing them consistently and paying attention to how we handle everyday moments can build strong, connected, and lasting relationships.