DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Have you ever come away from an argument feeling drained or overwhelmed or wishing it had gone differently? Disagreements can be incredibly frustrating, especially since most of us haven’t been taught how to handle them effectively.

In this video we’ll learn how to turn conflicts into productive conversations that leave us feeling heard and understood and lead to better resolutions. Disagreements usually end with at least as much tension as they begin with. If we approach a conflict with angry words, blame, or criticism, it’s likely things will escalate, leading to more anger and offensiveness.

So it’s important to start things off softly. Instead of something harsh like “You’re always interrupting me! You never listen to what I have to say!”, a softer version could be something like “I don’t always get a chance to finish my thoughts during meetings.” While the first version is likely lead to conflict, the second opens the door for discussion.

And if someone brings something up to us too harshly—”How is this my problem? Why do I always have to do everything around here?”—instead of matching their tone, we can soften our response to deescalate and take things down a notch: “I can see you’re frustrated. Let’s figure out how we can fix this.”

And this is an example of a repair attempt—actions or words that help deescalate conflict and prevent the conversation from spiraling out of control:

• “Wow, that came out a lot harsher than I meant. Let me try again.”
• “I’m feeling a little defensive right now. Could you please try to rephrase that?”
• “I think we’re getting a little bit off topic.”
• “You’re right, I was being a little unfair.”

Each of these statements is like a peace offering we’re making in the middle of the conflict, and even small gestures can shift the tone and help reset the conversation.

But soft startups and repair attempts can be difficult when emotions are running high. When we feel hurt, defensive, frustrated, or angry, it can cloud our abilities to listen, express ourselves clearly, or approach the conversation constructively. Instead, we might act impulsively and lash out or say things we don’t mean or completely shut down.

Recognizing when our emotions are taking over and learning to calm ourselves in these situations allows us to communicate more effectively and thoughtfully. And the STOP skill is a great tool to help us with this.

STOP stands for:

1. Stop what you’re doing and just pause the conversation before emotions take over.
2. Take a step back from the situation to get some perspective and take a breath. Focus on slow, deep breathing to help calm our bodies and minds. And take a break or time out if needed and possible given the situation, and come back to the discussion once everyone’s had a chance to cool off.
3. Observe with awareness that we can use to help us communicate more effectively:

We observe our behavior and how we’re acting and what we’re saying, and then we can adjust our behaviors to facilitate better communication and we can tone down what we’re saying or respond less defensively.

And we observe our thoughts, and if we’re having thoughts like “I can’t take this anymore” or “Here we go again,” these are signs that we’re not approaching things from the best state of mind and may need to adjust our thinking a bit. We can try just letting these thoughts go and refocusing our attention on the conversation and what the other person is saying, or modifying them to more helpful thoughts like “If this gets to be too much, I can take a break” or “Let’s just try listening to what she has to say.”

And we observe our emotions, noticing if we’re feeling frustrated or angry or hurt or anxious, and then see if we can regulate these emotions. Once again focusing on our breath and slowing down our breathing to help calm our nervous systems. We’re grounding ourselves physically, feeling our feet on the floor or pressing our hands together gently to bring our attention back into the present moment so we don’t get too caught up in our emotions.

Encouraging self-talk can provide reassurance that helps calm our emotions: “I can handle this, just stay calm and focus on what I’m trying to get across” or “It’s going to be okay.” And acknowledging and naming our emotions silently to ourselves helps us process how we’re feeling while keeping the discussion on track: “I’m feeling frustrated, but that’s okay. I don’t need to react right now” or “I’m feeling hurt, but I can manage, and I want to keep talking about this.”

And taking a brief pause before responding gives us a chance to gather ourselves and maintain our composure.

And observing what’s going on in our bodies helps us get in touch with how we’re feeling, as body sensations are often the first sign we’re experiencing an emotional response. We might start to feel hot or tense as we’re becoming frustrated or angry. If we’re feeling hurt, we might get a lump in our throats, a twinge in our hearts, or a heavy feeling in the pit of our stomachs. We can use these signals as warnings that in order for the conversation to remain productive, we need to attend to our emotions.

And we observe what’s going on with the person we’re talking to, actively listening to what the other person is saying and noticing any cues from their tone or behavior that can indicate how they’re feeling and how they’re reacting to what we’re saying, which can signal how we’re coming across and if maybe we’re not communicating our side of things effectively and need to try another approach.

And then Proceed mindfully—communicating calmly, assertively, and productively in a way that aligns with our goals of what we want to get out of the conversation.

Now let’s look at assertiveness using the DEAR Technique:

Describe

the situation as neutrally and objectively as possible, just letting the other person know what we want to talk about. Instead of a harsh startup like “You’re such a slob! You never clean up after yourself!” try “I’ve noticed the apartment has been really messy lately.” Or instead of “You’re always interrupting me in meetings! You never listen to what I have to say!” try “I don’t always get to finish my thoughts during meetings.”

Express

how we’re feeling using I-messages: “When I come home to a messy apartment, I feel stressed and overwhelmed” or “When I get interrupted, I feel disrespected and like my opinions aren’t valued.”

Assert

what we’d like to happen: “I’d really appreciate it if we could figure out a plan for tackling the chores together” or “Can we try to make space for everyone to fully contribute?”

Reinforcement

We suggest how the other person will benefit from this to encourage their cooperation: “This would really help me feel less irritable at home so we can enjoy our time together more” or “I think this will make our meetings run smoother and more productively.”

It’s natural to experience challenges in communication during difficult conversations, especially when emotions are running high. And techniques like softening startups, repair attempts, STOP, and assertive communication can help us manage these interactions better, stay calmer, and keep the conversation productive and focused on finding a resolution.