Stand Up For Yourself Without Starting a Fight (DBT GIVE Skills)

Do you ever leave a conversation without saying everything that’s on your mind or wishing you’d said things in a way that didn’t upset someone? Sometimes we stay quiet to avoid conflict. Other times we might push too hard to get what we want. We’re going to learn a way of communicating assertively that lets us get our needs met while maintaining a good relationship or even strengthening it.

We’re going to use the acronym give. Being gentle, acting interested, validating, and using an easy manner.

And some of these steps might seem like we’re being too passive or nice to ever get what we want, but it’s usually the opposite. When we don’t communicate like this, people shut down, get defensive, or irritated, and the conversation goes nowhere or turns into a conflict. But when we follow these steps, it’s much more likely people will be cooperative and we’ll achieve our objectives.

Being gentle means keeping our tone calm and respectful even when addressing something difficult, which makes it easier for people to listen to what we have to say without getting defensive.

There are four nos in gentle:

• No attacks. We avoid being aggressive, angry, or raising our voice. Instead of you never do anything around here, you’re so lazy. Could we find a way to divide up the chores more fairly?
• And no threats. Avoid things like, “Don’t make me do something you’ll regret.”
• And avoid being manipulative. You do it if you cared about me. Or, “If you don’t help me, I’m going to cry.” Instead, say something like, “I’m frustrated and could really use your help.”
• And no judging. Avoid labeling the other person’s feelings, thoughts, or actions as wrong or stupid. Instead of you’re being ridiculous and making a big deal out of nothing, try I can see why that’s upsetting. Let’s talk about what could help.
• And no disrespect. Avoid sarcasm, mocking, or contempt, or anything that makes the other person think you’re not taking them seriously. And non-verbal behavior often speaks louder than words. So avoid things like eye rolling, sighing, crossing your arms, or walking out in the middle of the conversation.

And we act interested in what the other person is saying, even if we really aren’t that interested. We listen without interrupting and let them finish. We check in to confirm we understand what they’re saying instead of assuming or reading their minds. These are all simple ways to show we’re paying attention and care what they have to say. It help keep the conversation running smoothly and make it more likely we get a positive response.

And validate means acknowledging the other person’s feelings, thoughts, and perspective. We don’t have to agree with them. We’re just communicating that their emotions, point of views, or actions make sense in the context of the current situation, and we understand where they’re coming from.

I can see why you’re so upset. And this helps prevent things from escalating and opens the door to further discussion.

And we can validate the why behind their feelings without agreeing with the what of their behavior.

I understand you need me to hear what you’re saying right now, but could you please lower your voice? This acknowledges their perspective while setting boundaries regarding their behavior. It makes it more likely they’ll respect our request.

An easy manner means keeping our body language relaxed. Being friendly and using gentle humor when appropriate. This eases tension and can make it easier for the other person to respond positively and helps make people want to help us.

It looks like we got off on the wrong foot. How about we start again and see if we can figure this out together.

So, getting what we want out of a conversation isn’t just about what we say, but about how we say it. And the give skills being gentle, acting interested, validating, and using an easy manner provide an alternative to being too passive in order to avoid conflict or too aggressive in trying to get someone to do what we want, making it more likely we achieve our objectives while maintaining or even strengthening our relationships.