Stand Up for Yourself Without Guilt or Conflict (DBT FAST Skills)

Have you ever gotten what you wanted but felt bad about the way you did it? Or agreed to something you didn’t want just to avoid conflict? It’s natural to want to avoid fights and to try to get our way, but it doesn’t have to come at the cost of our self-respect.

And we can struggle to find the balance between avoiding conflict and pushing too hard.

We might give in to keep someone happy and come away regretting we didn’t stand up for ourselves or do things that go against our values like getting angry and aggressive or being manipulative or dishonest.

The FAST Skills

The fast skills help us get what we need out of an interaction while keeping our self-respect intact. It stands for be fair, no apologies, stick to your values, and be truthful.

Be Fair

We’re fair to ourselves and others, respecting our own feelings and wishes as well as theirs. We feel like our coworker is slacking, but we do their share because we don’t want to confront them. That’s not fair to us.

Or we report them to our manager without talking to them first. That’s not fair to them.

A fair approach is to let them know we’re feeling overworked, listen to their perspective, and discuss how to divide things more evenly.

Fairness doesn’t mean every interaction needs to be exactly equal, but over time, our needs and the needs of others should be balanced.

Let’s do what you want and order in and watch a movie tonight, but next weekend we can have some people over for dinner and go out after.

No Apologies

No apologies, which is really no over apologizing. Sometimes an apology is warranted. I’m sorry I’m late.

Other times, an apology is a polite way of making or declining a request. I’m sorry to bother you. Would you mind helping me with this? Or, I’m sorry. I’m busy tonight. What we want to avoid is over apologizing.

I’m so sorry to bother you, and you’re probably really busy, so it’s okay if you can’t, but would you mind helping me with this? I’m so sorry to even ask.

Over apologizing for making a request, having an opinion, disagreeing, or setting a boundary implies that we’re in the wrong when doing something completely reasonable we have every right to do and teaches us that our needs and opinions aren’t important.

Excessive apologies can also damage relationships because they get on people’s nerves and make them uncomfortable.

Stick to Your Values

And we stick to our values and act with integrity. We don’t do things that go against our values just to get what we want or abandon our values to prevent conflict or to make someone keep liking us, which can be challenging in situations where we worry we might damage a relationship or make other people upset.

But not compromising our integrity doesn’t mean we can’t be flexible. We can still look for solutions and compromises that don’t violate our core values. It’s not an all or nothing situation where we give in completely or refuse to budge.

I’m not comfortable with that. Let’s try to find something that works for both of us.

Be Truthful

And be truthful. We don’t lie. We don’t act helpless when we’re not. And we don’t exaggerate.

A single lie might not seem like a big deal, but each time we’re dishonest, it becomes easier to do it the next time, creating a pattern that damages our self-respect.

It’s okay to tell the occasional white lie to protect someone’s feelings. I think your haircut looks great.

Or to avoid social awkwardness. I’d join you for lunch, but I already ate.

But these lies are only harmless if we do them mindfully and infrequently, not as a habit.

And acting helpless when we’re not is another form of dishonesty. I know I’ll just mess it up. Couldn’t you do it for me? The point is to be truthful and make honesty our default with rare conscious exceptions when necessary.

Conclusion

So instead of acting in ways that damage our self-respect, we practice fast, be fair, avoid over apologizing, stick to our values, and be truthful. These skills help us pursue our goals effectively while maintaining our self-respect.