DBT Emotion Regulation Skills Training

Do you ever find it hard to cope with emotions and don’t know what to do or just want to learn to manage emotions better? Here’s a step-by-step process to regulate emotions and make them less intense and easier to handle.

The first step is to be mindful of our emotions. We stop and take a step back and observe how we’re feeling. We take a few breaths and simply name our emotion. I’m feeling sad. I’m angry. I’m anxious right now.

If we’re not sure how we’re feeling, our bodies can give us a clue. A lump in the throat or heaviness in the stomach might point to sadness. Tension in the jaw or feeling hot might mean anger. Tightness in the throat or chest or a racing heart can signal anxiety.

No matter how we’re feeling, we start by accepting it. I’m feeling sad and it’s okay to feel sad. I’m angry and it’s okay to be angry. I’m anxious and that’s okay. Accepting doesn’t mean we want to feel this way.

It’s simply acknowledging how we’re actually feeling in this moment instead of fighting it, which usually makes the feeling stronger. Naming and accepting emotions is the first step in regulating them. This alone can help us feel better.

Now we figure out what to do with these feelings. We start by asking ourselves, does my emotion fit the facts? An emotion fits the facts if it’s appropriate for the situation and its duration and intensity are reasonable.

For example, a friend cancels our plans last minute and we feel moderately sad for the rest of the evening. That’s an appropriate emotion with a reasonable duration and intensity. But if we’re so sad that we find it hard to get off the couch for the next few days or are so mad that we fire off a bunch of angry texts and then won’t talk to them for a week, that probably doesn’t fit the facts.

If we’re not sure if our emotion fits the facts, we can use the check the facts worksheet. If our emotion does fit the facts, then we ask, “Is acting on this emotion effective or helpful to me?”

Our emotions usually come with an action urge, something we want to do based on how we’re feeling. With sadness, we may want to withdraw from the world and just lie on the couch all day and isolate ourselves. With anxiety, we may have the urge to avoid or escape. With anger, we may want to attack or ignore.

Acting on these urges usually isn’t helpful. What can be effective is opposite action, acting opposite to what our emotions are telling us to do. If we’re sad, instead of lying around, we go for a walk or make plans with a friend. If we’re anxious, we face our fears and do what we’re avoiding.

If we’re angry, instead of lashing out, we step away from the situation and do something else for a while until we’re feeling more calm. Then we come back and assertively express how we’re feeling, or do something constructive that addresses the problem without making it worse.

But sometimes acting on our emotion urge can be effective, so we do it. Maybe we’re sad and stressed because we’ve had a tough week at work and our urge is to go out for a coffee with a friend and vent. And this probably will help us feel better.

So, we make plans to meet up and go out. Or we’re anxious we’re going to be late for a meeting and our urge is to leave early to make sure we get there on time. Acting on this urge is effective because it prevents us from running late and reduces our anxiety.

Whether or not acting on our emotion is effective, when our emotion fits the facts of a situation, we can often improve the situation through problem solving, which then leads to a change in how we feel.

We’re stressed and overwhelmed by everything we’ve got going on, and we don’t even know where to start. So, we take some time to problem solve and get organized. Then we tackle one small thing that feels manageable, which helps us feel more in control, and we start feeling less stressed.

Now, if the emotion doesn’t fit the facts, we reframe our thoughts and work on changing our perspective and how we’re thinking about the situation. We find out our friend just got a new job and we feel really sad because we’re reminded how we have nothing going on in our lives.

Then we check if our emotion and its intensity and duration fit the facts. It’s natural to feel disappointed when we compare ourselves negatively to someone else, but we’ve been feeling really sad about this all day long. So, we decide our emotion doesn’t fit the facts.

To bring our emotion more in line with the situation, we look at our thoughts to see how accurate they are. If they’re exaggerated, distorted, or negatively biased, we adjust them accordingly. We can use the checking the facts worksheet from DBT, a CBT thought record, or just ask ourselves some questions to help reframe our thinking.

So, first we write down our thoughts. I haven’t accomplished anything with my life, and it feels like I’m going nowhere. I’m such a failure. Then we ask ourselves, what’s the evidence for and against? I have a job I don’t like and it feels like I’m going to be stuck here forever. Whenever I apply for another job, I never even get an interview. I did finish school and at least I have a job and I’m able to afford an apartment and pay my bills.

If a friend or someone I cared about was in a similar situation, what would I tell them? There’s no point in comparing yourself to someone else. That’s not fair to you. And you can never know what someone else’s circumstances really are. Is there any other way of looking at this? Even though I haven’t done much with my life, I have done some things. And that doesn’t mean I’m a failure, just that I’m not where I want to be.

And I can be happy for my friend’s success without comparing myself to them. With this new way of thinking, we still feel a little sad and disappointed, but now our emotion fits the facts of the situation better. And maybe that’s all we need to do for now. We can just be mindful of how we’re feeling, naming and acknowledging the emotion and just allowing it to be there.

Or if it still feels too uncomfortable, we can continue trying to regulate it and go through the steps we looked at earlier. Another example, we have to give an important presentation and we’ve been feeling really anxious about it non-stop for days. We check the facts. Feeling nervous about it makes sense, but we’re way more anxious than we need to be.

So, we ask ourselves, what am I expecting will happen? I’ll completely forget everything. I’ll start to panic and embarrass myself, and everyone will think I’m incompetent. What’s the evidence for and against this? My presentations never go as well as I’d like, and I’m really anxious about this one, but I know the material well, and I always get really anxious before presentations, but they’re always okay in the end. And how likely is it that what I’m worried about will happen? Not very likely.

I might forget some things and feel a little panicky, but I probably won’t embarrass myself and nobody will really notice or care. What’s the most likely outcome? I’ll get through the presentation. I’ll maybe stumble a little, but overall it’ll go okay. But no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that there’s no need to be this anxious, our anxiety stays as strong as ever.

So now what do we do? If our anxiety about the presentation is making us procrastinate or avoid preparing, we can take opposite action and go over our presentation and rehearse it. Often the more we work on it, the more confident and less anxious we’ll start to feel. Or we can try using distress tolerance skills to help manage the anxiety. We might distract ourselves temporarily, get some exercise, or reach out to a friend.

Then once we’re feeling calmer, we can try again and see if some of the other emotion regulation strategies are more effective now that the emotion is less intense. Or we can just be mindful of the emotion and allow it to be there without having to do anything about it at all. So we name our emotion and accept how we’re feeling and see if it fits the facts.

And if it does, if acting on it is effective, we do that. And if not, we take opposite action. And either way, we can engage in problem solving. And if it doesn’t fit the facts, we reframe our thoughts and then see if our emotion fits the facts. And if it does, we see if acting on it is effective. And if it doesn’t fit the facts, we can try opposite action, distress tolerance, or just be mindful of the emotion.